Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Out With the Old.................


So, as 2008 is drawing to a close in exactly 9 hours time; here I am reflecting on what I have or have not achieved over the last year.

I like many of year ring in each new year with promises and high hopes of what the new year is to bring. But it never comes. Sadly it is just a new day with a new date. What honestly is going to be different this time around.

Honestly, I spend each new year shortly after midnight in a quite corner and shed a tear or two. For those who are no longer with us, those I miss and those I may never see again.

I do not make new year resolutions or promise myself this year will be better, it never is.

I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. Decisions I need to make, and tough ones. I need to let go of a lot before I can move forward. And being the sentimental schmuck that I am it is proving harder than I thought it would be.

So, shortly after midnight in 8 hours 50 minutes time. I shall shed a silent tear in a quite corner for those of you that are not with me, those of you that are no longer here and those of you I love and miss with all my heart.

May 2009 be the year YOU make changes because honestly... It is just another Day....

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Chapters Of Me.....


Chapter I

I walked down the path
And tripped into a hole
I could’nt climb out; and did’nt know why
It was not my fault
It took a while to climb out

Chapter II

I walked down the path
And tripped into the same hole again
I did not understand
It was not my fault
This time it was easy to climb out


Chapter III


I walked the same path
And tripped into the same hole
This time I understood why, and it was my fault
This time it was easier to climb out

Chapter IV

I walked down the same path
And saw the same hole
I walked around
I did not fall

Chapter V

I am choosing another Path…

Friday, December 12, 2008

~where to now?~


Do you believe in destiny? Are our entire lives written out before we are even born? That no matter how much we try and change what is to come if it is our destiny; no matter how much we try and avoid the inevitable it will happen?

If we could truly see into the future, would that alter our destiny? Maybe not, the future changes because you looked.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Confessions of a Fucked Up Mind.. Part II


Whilst I am average, I would not go so far as to say beautiful. I have long black hair and green amber eyes. The rest have seen better days. I have grown to love myself for who I am. I was born, I feel in the wrong time. I have had many lives none of which I remember. I have no doubt the knowledge will give me a fascinating insight to whom I am, this is a luxury I am not allowed. Those of us who are blessed to be able to remember, are amongst the lucky few. There are ways and means to remember, if I so chose. But if I were meant to know would I not remember. Sometimes we do not have the privilege of choices for a reason. I don’t argue this point. After all, the force at work here is far greater than I. And who am I to question this?

I have been told, and sometimes agree, that I cross examine certain aspects in my life. I try to accept the good and the bad as they come. We could all do with more good. I try to see the bad as lessons I am to learn or to right a wrong previously done in this life or my last. There was a time I would deal with the “bad” in the incorrect manner, thus rendering me a person whom I have come to loathe. I am in no way laying blame in what I am about to say, but; this is where I feel my parents did not grow me in a way. To deal with failure! If I were the person I am today ten years ago or less, I do not doubt I would have far exceeded who I am today. I took failure as just that. I failed, I could not find reason nor want to pick myself up and be proud of what I had tried to achieve. I chose instead to hide away, wallowing in self pity.

I was never a confident child. I would not surround myself with many friends. I learnt from an early age how vicious your peers can be. The need to fit in whilst growing up is so great you often forget the grounding principles you were taught. I was never one to “follow”. I preferred to be the person I was, seeing no purpose in trying to be someone I wasn’t. Keeping up a false pretence must be emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Friends as a result were few and far between, most of which you will learn about in the stories to come. Here again I refer back to the importance of parents in a child’s life. To teach them to understand and accept who they are.

Looking back, I do not stop to find fault in what I have done. I prefer to look at what my life has unfolded into thus far and look for lessons to be learnt along the way. This calls for some in-depth thinking at times though my memory serves to fail me in key areas I wish I could better recall. Whilst my childhood was content, I would not go as far as to say it was happy. I was largely misunderstood thus being branded a “problem” child.

I don’t quite understand how you can brand a child a “problem”. While certainly there may be in certain cases a learning difficulty or physical disability; we must remember our children are a manifestation of ourselves. Though we teach right from wrong and grow them emotionally their young minds are forever aware of their surroundings. What you might witness today may be your distant memory tomorrow, they might hold on to that memory which may or may not affect them in years to come. I will not continue to drivel on how a child learns from those around him. I am sure we all know. I would like to point out that my child being branded as a “problem” child would surely mean I myself was a problem? Misunderstood would be the correct terminology I think.

Have you every looked into someone’s eyes? Really looked? The windows to the soul! I see people everyday, with the false pretence of happiness, fulfilment and success. I say false pretence; because if you look into their eyes they show no emotion. They are empty, dark and unhappy. I have learnt to read people through their eyes. They say a lot about a person. We cannot control what our eyes say. I feel it is our soul’s way of communicating. Think me strange if you must. I do not mind. I have accepted my differences with those of you around me. I do not wish you to believe what I say or to alter your own beliefs, but rather to share what I know. Even tired eyes cannot hide the emotional turmoil of your soul.

Why do we choose to walk around with false pretence? The effort of keeping up false pretences are not worth the burden we bear. Society is largely to blame. Others will not accept or associate themselves with someone they feel to be beneath their status. What is status anyway? And who are we to grant ourselves “status” in life. We are all sharing the same sacred space, and correct me if I am wrong, but none of us is above the other no matter whom we are. I have no status, nor do I require status. I have achieved nothing spectacular in my life. Those of us who are so quick to judge should perhaps judge ourselves and our characters before we lay judgement. We are all guilty. We pass judgement on the man begging on the street corner, deeming him lazy to work, or perhaps he is an addict. Should we take the time in our precious lives to find out his story, you may learn something very different from what you thought.

I will admit, I am one of those amongst many who so caught up in my own world takes time to really see those around me. We allow ourselves to believe that the quick visit to a sick relative or the rushed Sunday morning at church makes us a better person. I beg to differ. Whilst as I have said previously I am far from perfect, I would rather not choose to walk around with false pretence to make me a better person. I hate nothing more than those of us who think that because they attend every Sunday morning service, maybe evenings too that they are by far a better person than the next. Your faults lie within who you are. And nothing and no one but yourself can change your faults. Attending church does not forgive you if you repeatedly mistreat yourself and those around you. Do not take my using church as an example incorrectly. But rather see a point I try to make....

to be cont....

~allow me to introduce myself.....~


"I'm a wanna-be writer...

I love to oil paint...

I love taking photographs…

I daydream…

I want to have lot of tattoos and if you want to make assumptions about me because of it - please feel free...

I love being a Woman and the power that comes with it...

I have natural blonde hair, but prefer to dye it black...

I can comb it 5000 times a day, but it still has that “wash & go look...

I'm a City girl but I love the great outdoors…

I love winter… and everything about it…

I love fire…

I wanted to be so many things when I was little, I lost track a bit. But my biggest aspiration is to just be happy at whatever I do...

I would love to have studied Psychology and figure I would have made a great forensic psychologist...

I wonder what I want to be when I grow up...

I wonder when I will grow up!...

Music is the one big Love of my Life. I have a very diverse taste in Music, from very very Dark to classical. I prefer Gothic/Alternative and am a Rock Chick at heart...

I wear mostly black…

I know my wine very well – the effect it has when you drink far too much...

Most of my dearest friends are boys. I can actually relate better because I'm not a typical girly girl...

I love to entertain- myself and you...

I talk waaaaay too much...

I love the sea and how it makes me feel, but I hate swimming in it...

Not really into sports – but I enjoy International rugby...

I think we were lucky enough to live in one of the most beautiful places on earth...

I LOVE life, the constant energy…. and being part of so many people's universe...

I love driving…

I was born on 20th August and am a typical Leo Woman...

I need to be alone a lot, although I love people...

I like to make people laugh... at me... with me.. Which ever...

I don't fall in love easily - but when I do, I love them Forever no matter what happens...

I am addicted to coffee...

I take hours to fall asleep. I can not sleep late anymore even if I partied till sunrise...

I remember significant dreams vividly...

I’ve had déjà vu…

I love that smell before a storm...
I love storms...

I love the rain – being in it. Just the feeling when it rains…. The sound of rain…

I love beautiful things. People, art, places, books…

I love people that are unique in their own way...

I love looking at people in the car next to me in traffic wondering their life story… it keeps me entertained...

I love smiling at strangers – it confuses the hell out of them...

I don’t make friends easily...

I strive to be humble, I like to associate myself with people that are…

I work hard, but I can party just as hard...

I find Talent very attractive, more than how a person looks."...

I love walking through water...

White lilies make me smile…

I Love kids, but to be honest, I could be a better parent…

I am technically minded…

I fix most things round the house myself. Or I try. I attempted to change my own locks once...did not go that well. The door is still locked...

I would 100 times rather talk to you in person than on the phone. I HATE talking on the phone. I never leave voice mails. Sorry. Leave a message after the beep.... ??? I'll phone you back when I get a chance...

I met a boy... I fucked it up…

I love South Africa... but these days don’t feel safe anymore… which is why we are leaving...

I suffer from SERIOUS road rage. Do not drive on my ass - I WILL BRAKE. Do not try to overtake me when I'm driving 140km/hour. I will pick up speed so you cannot pass... Don't under-estimate my driving skills just because I'm a girl...

I am neither happy nor content. I have come to the realization that no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to please everyone. There will always be people in Life that like you or despise you.... accept it, there's always a reason for these things. I am who I am... I don't want praise, I don't want pity...

I swear far too much...

I am far too soft… I hate saying no…

My pride will ultimately be my demise...

I love cats…

I believe in ghosts, faries, dragons and such…

I am very emotional; and cry far too easily...

I care about others more than I should…

I never learn my lesson.. I am far too stubborn…

I am always right...

If I say “I’m sorry”.. I mean it…

I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be perfect.. perfection will never be obtained...

I’ve been arrested for drinking and driving…

Sometimes I know things before they happen. I cant explain it.. I just do...

Don’t under estimate me.. I can hold myself amongst the best of you...

I don’t believe in destiny...

If you are to buy me a gift; don’t ask me what I want.. if you know me; you’ll know what I need...

I don’t have a favorite food…

I talk to myself…

I want to learn to play music.. just don’t know which instrument yet...

I've taken to drying my hair using the air vents in my car... works like a bomb..

I have a nose ring, and am getting a labret done soon…

I no longer belive in The One or Soul Mates!!

My favourite colours are black, red, white & purple

I have 3 true loves, I gave birth to each of them

I love music & listen to it 24/7/365….

My toenails are always painted.. always!!

I wear shoes that kill my feet..

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Lesson 1. ~ That you cannot make someone love you.



Ironic is'nt it.. for all we do and say, that sometimes in the end it just does not matter. What is love anyway...

love ~ Pronunciation [luhv]

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.


I wrote a letter to my love ~ but never sent it.. I hope one day you pick it up and know that I really meant it.. {I suck at rhymes}...

"I couldn’t sleep last night, for days actually. I hate arguing.

I’m not bitter because I know what I felt was real. And if in some distant time and place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent months learning from one other and that one night together.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you showed me was possible. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever.

I now know I have something to look forward to one day. If I ever love again, a love I never thought or knew was possible.

They say you build walls to keep people out, I say we build walls to see who loves us enough to break through those walls.

I did love you.

I’ll be seeing you."

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Confessions of a Fucked Up Mind..


It’s raining today.. it’s been raining most days for the last 7 weeks. I do not mind.. I love the rain..

This will be the beginning; I think. I think too much sometimes; and never put to paper what I feel. It makes sense somehow. I always find answers but can never recall them when I need them most. Strangely, I don’t think I am meant to. If we all had the answers we would have no questions.

As is life, every story has a beginning and an end. What unfolds in-between is up to us. Though we cannot change our destiny, we have the ability to choose our own path. It’s not always easy, faced with choices sometimes we don’t understand. After all how many times has the question “what if?” been asked? Destiny! Is there such a thing? Is our life after all written before we are born? So no matter how we may try to alter the course of our lives is it not perhaps inevitable at the end?

I live in a fucked up world. It’s as simple as that. You might disagree; I leave that decision to you. I witness many things I do not understand. At times I sit and look in the mirror and question my existence. I find I can hold an intellectual conversation with someone who best understands. Me! Which; brings to mind visions of white padded cells and men in white coats. Laugh, if you must; but do try it sometime. You have heard the saying “you cannot love another until you love yourself”. I find the statement to be true. If I cannot converse intellectually with myself, how must I with someone else.

Whilst appearance is left to chance; based on what we are blessed with. We; thankfully, determine whom we ultimately become. Granted, good looks are an added bonus, though you will find you cannot achieve success on appearance alone.

This is my first time at writing so forgive me if I seem a little erratic at times. I prefer my thoughts kept private and personal. Yet I feel by sharing them, as fucked up as they may seem; may better assist someone as myself in their own desire to learn what it is they are to achieve. I have not doubt that I am here to serve a purpose. I might never know what it is, or when it will be achieved. Nor do I warrant wasting time trying to pinpoint what or when it may be.

My thoughts become a tad confusing at times. I often cross question what seems like a logical answer. The easy answers may not always be the correct answer. We all take the easy way out, I am just as guilty. Yet I learnt the hard way, that what seemed to those around me as the easiest way out was in fact one of the hardest. To err is human, yet I find it fascinating at how consumed people are in mistakes others make. Does it make you feel better?

I am not a perfect person. I am as far from perfect as you are. We all lead the pretence of having the perfect life, perfect home, perfect partner and perfect children. Do we know why? Does it make you feel better knowing that no one else is aware of your pain? Your shortfalls? Your lack of skill? They say each one of us is born with a gift. I don’t think our talents are imprinted into our spirit and soul when we are created. Your gifts will develop naturally as you grow. How you choose do develop those gifts is entirely up to you. None of us lack talent. What we do lack however is perhaps the knowledge and know how to develop those talents. This is naturally determined by your parents.

Let’s face it, you either have it or you don’t. Being a parent you are wholly responsible for the person that you have created. The values and principles you instil in them will ultimately define the person they are. Values will be the most important, along with self respect, respect of others and so forth. Some of you may beg to differ. What I believe are the most important factors in a child’s up bringing may not necessarily equal yours. I try in my own children to develop those areas I feel were lacking in my own upbringing. Many would disagree with me on my choice of emotional building characters, only in observing my children will I know if the right choices were made. I always remember however, that each child is so different from the other. What I may deem an important area for growth in one, the other may naturally posses. I look at each child as an individual and not a replica of myself to achieve what I feel I myself lost.

to be cont............

Thursday, December 4, 2008

~Life Lessons~


Something I came across today; thought it rang so true to the life lessons I have learnt over the past year : -


that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is
be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.

that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.

that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

that it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it.

that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

that it's a lot easier
to react than it is to think.

that you should always leave
loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.


that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be
something else to take its place.

that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

that learning to forgive takes practice.

that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.

that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be
if they believed it.

that your family won't always
be there for you. It may seem funny,
but people you aren't related to
can take care of you and love you
and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

that it isn't always enough
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

that no matter how bad
your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

that sometimes when my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides
even when I don't want to.

that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

that sometimes you have to put
the individual ahead of their actions.

that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

that you shouldn't be so
eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

that no matter how you try to protect
your children, they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.

that there are many ways of falling
and staying in love.

that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.

that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely
and lost at the times you need them most.

that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

that even when you think
you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

that writing, as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.

that the paradigm we live in
is not all that is offered to us.

that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.

that although the word "love"
can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly used.

that it's hard to determine
where to draw the line
between being nice and
not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.