This Thing...Called Life!

This thing called life is a figment of our imagination. It only exist within my mind. There is no beginning, and there is no end. Who is this “I” that questions everything. I feel sometimes as if I am getting close to the answer, and something pulls me back. The truth is within us all. Seek, and ye share find. I feel as if this is not real, and I’m going to wake up.

My Happiness....

I am far too happy & content to talk about all my drepressing life experiances right about now...

I'll leave with words to my song of the moment..

Seether - Rise Above This

Take the light, undarken everything around me
Call the clouds and listen closely I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I've fallen down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow
And everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I've fallen down but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day when I seem so helpless
I've fallen down, and I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I've fallen down but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
I'm Falling down, falling down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this,
Rise above this, rise above this doubt

Out With the Old.................

So, as 2008 is drawing to a close in exactly 9 hours time; here I am reflecting on what I have or have not achieved over the last year.

I like many of year ring in each new year with promises and high hopes of what the new year is to bring. But it never comes. Sadly it is just a new day with a new date. What honestly is going to be different this time around.

Honestly, I spend each new year shortly after midnight in a quite corner and shed a tear or two. For those who are no longer with us, those I miss and those I may never see again.

I do not make new year resolutions or promise myself this year will be better, it never is.

I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. Decisions I need to make, and tough ones. I need to let go of a lot before I can move forward. And being the sentimental schmuck that I am it is proving harder than I thought it would be.

So, shortly after midnight in 8 hours 50 minutes time. I shall shed a silent tear in a quite corner for those of you that are not with me, those of you that are no longer here and those of you I love and miss with all my heart.

May 2009 be the year YOU make changes because honestly... It is just another Day....

Chapters Of Me.....

Chapter I

I walked down the path
And tripped into a hole
I could’nt climb out; and did’nt know why
It was not my fault
It took a while to climb out

Chapter II

I walked down the path
And tripped into the same hole again
I did not understand
It was not my fault
This time it was easy to climb out


Chapter III

I walked the same path
And tripped into the same hole
This time I understood why, and it was my fault
This time it was easier to climb out

Chapter IV

I walked down the same path
And saw the same hole
I walked around
I did not fall

Chapter V

I am choosing another Path…

~where to now?~

Do you believe in destiny? Are our entire lives written out before we are even born? That no matter how much we try and change what is to come if it is our destiny; no matter how much we try and avoid the inevitable it will happen?

If we could truly see into the future, would that alter our destiny? Maybe not, the future changes because you looked.

Confessions of a Fucked Up Mind.. Part II

Whilst I am average, I would not go so far as to say beautiful. I have long black hair and green amber eyes. The rest have seen better days. I have grown to love myself for who I am. I was born, I feel in the wrong time. I have had many lives none of which I remember. I have no doubt the knowledge will give me a fascinating insight to whom I am, this is a luxury I am not allowed. Those of us who are blessed to be able to remember, are amongst the lucky few. There are ways and means to remember, if I so chose. But if I were meant to know would I not remember. Sometimes we do not have the privilege of choices for a reason. I don’t argue this point. After all, the force at work here is far greater than I. And who am I to question this?

I have been told, and sometimes agree, that I cross examine certain aspects in my life. I try to accept the good and the bad as they come. We could all do with more good. I try to see the bad as lessons I am to learn or to right a wrong previously done in this life or my last. There was a time I would deal with the “bad” in the incorrect manner, thus rendering me a person whom I have come to loathe. I am in no way laying blame in what I am about to say, but; this is where I feel my parents did not grow me in a way. To deal with failure! If I were the person I am today ten years ago or less, I do not doubt I would have far exceeded who I am today. I took failure as just that. I failed, I could not find reason nor want to pick myself up and be proud of what I had tried to achieve. I chose instead to hide away, wallowing in self pity.

I was never a confident child. I would not surround myself with many friends. I learnt from an early age how vicious your peers can be. The need to fit in whilst growing up is so great you often forget the grounding principles you were taught. I was never one to “follow”. I preferred to be the person I was, seeing no purpose in trying to be someone I wasn’t. Keeping up a false pretence must be emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Friends as a result were few and far between, most of which you will learn about in the stories to come. Here again I refer back to the importance of parents in a child’s life. To teach them to understand and accept who they are.

Looking back, I do not stop to find fault in what I have done. I prefer to look at what my life has unfolded into thus far and look for lessons to be learnt along the way. This calls for some in-depth thinking at times though my memory serves to fail me in key areas I wish I could better recall. Whilst my childhood was content, I would not go as far as to say it was happy. I was largely misunderstood thus being branded a “problem” child.

I don’t quite understand how you can brand a child a “problem”. While certainly there may be in certain cases a learning difficulty or physical disability; we must remember our children are a manifestation of ourselves. Though we teach right from wrong and grow them emotionally their young minds are forever aware of their surroundings. What you might witness today may be your distant memory tomorrow, they might hold on to that memory which may or may not affect them in years to come. I will not continue to drivel on how a child learns from those around him. I am sure we all know. I would like to point out that my child being branded as a “problem” child would surely mean I myself was a problem? Misunderstood would be the correct terminology I think.

Have you every looked into someone’s eyes? Really looked? The windows to the soul! I see people everyday, with the false pretence of happiness, fulfilment and success. I say false pretence; because if you look into their eyes they show no emotion. They are empty, dark and unhappy. I have learnt to read people through their eyes. They say a lot about a person. We cannot control what our eyes say. I feel it is our soul’s way of communicating. Think me strange if you must. I do not mind. I have accepted my differences with those of you around me. I do not wish you to believe what I say or to alter your own beliefs, but rather to share what I know. Even tired eyes cannot hide the emotional turmoil of your soul.

Why do we choose to walk around with false pretence? The effort of keeping up false pretences are not worth the burden we bear. Society is largely to blame. Others will not accept or associate themselves with someone they feel to be beneath their status. What is status anyway? And who are we to grant ourselves “status” in life. We are all sharing the same sacred space, and correct me if I am wrong, but none of us is above the other no matter whom we are. I have no status, nor do I require status. I have achieved nothing spectacular in my life. Those of us who are so quick to judge should perhaps judge ourselves and our characters before we lay judgement. We are all guilty. We pass judgement on the man begging on the street corner, deeming him lazy to work, or perhaps he is an addict. Should we take the time in our precious lives to find out his story, you may learn something very different from what you thought.

I will admit, I am one of those amongst many who so caught up in my own world takes time to really see those around me. We allow ourselves to believe that the quick visit to a sick relative or the rushed Sunday morning at church makes us a better person. I beg to differ. Whilst as I have said previously I am far from perfect, I would rather not choose to walk around with false pretence to make me a better person. I hate nothing more than those of us who think that because they attend every Sunday morning service, maybe evenings too that they are by far a better person than the next. Your faults lie within who you are. And nothing and no one but yourself can change your faults. Attending church does not forgive you if you repeatedly mistreat yourself and those around you. Do not take my using church as an example incorrectly. But rather see a point I try to make....

to be cont....

~allow me to introduce myself.....~

"I'm a wanna-be writer...

I love to oil paint...

I love taking photographs…

I daydream…

I want to have lot of tattoos and if you want to make assumptions about me because of it - please feel free...

I love being a Woman and the power that comes with it...

I have natural blonde hair, but prefer to dye it black...

I can comb it 5000 times a day, but it still has that “wash & go look...

I'm a City girl but I love the great outdoors…

I love winter… and everything about it…

I love fire…

I wanted to be so many things when I was little, I lost track a bit. But my biggest aspiration is to just be happy at whatever I do...

I would love to have studied Psychology and figure I would have made a great forensic psychologist...

I wonder what I want to be when I grow up...

I wonder when I will grow up!...

Music is the one big Love of my Life. I have a very diverse taste in Music, from very very Dark to classical. I prefer Gothic/Alternative and am a Rock Chick at heart...

I wear mostly black…

I know my wine very well – the effect it has when you drink far too much...

Most of my dearest friends are boys. I can actually relate better because I'm not a typical girly girl...

I love to entertain- myself and you...

I talk waaaaay too much...

I love the sea and how it makes me feel, but I hate swimming in it...

Not really into sports – but I enjoy International rugby...

I think we were lucky enough to live in one of the most beautiful places on earth...

I LOVE life, the constant energy…. and being part of so many people's universe...

I love driving…

I was born on 20th August and am a typical Leo Woman...

I need to be alone a lot, although I love people...

I like to make people laugh... at me... with me.. Which ever...

I don't fall in love easily - but when I do, I love them Forever no matter what happens...

I am addicted to coffee...

I take hours to fall asleep. I can not sleep late anymore even if I partied till sunrise...

I remember significant dreams vividly...

I’ve had déjà vu…

I love that smell before a storm...
I love storms...

I love the rain – being in it. Just the feeling when it rains…. The sound of rain…

I love beautiful things. People, art, places, books…

I love people that are unique in their own way...

I love looking at people in the car next to me in traffic wondering their life story… it keeps me entertained...

I love smiling at strangers – it confuses the hell out of them...

I don’t make friends easily...

I strive to be humble, I like to associate myself with people that are…

I work hard, but I can party just as hard...

I find Talent very attractive, more than how a person looks."...

I love walking through water...

White lilies make me smile…

I Love kids, but to be honest, I could be a better parent…

I am technically minded…

I fix most things round the house myself. Or I try. I attempted to change my own locks once...did not go that well. The door is still locked...

I would 100 times rather talk to you in person than on the phone. I HATE talking on the phone. I never leave voice mails. Sorry. Leave a message after the beep.... ??? I'll phone you back when I get a chance...

I met a boy... I fucked it up…

I love South Africa... but these days don’t feel safe anymore… which is why we are leaving...

I suffer from SERIOUS road rage. Do not drive on my ass - I WILL BRAKE. Do not try to overtake me when I'm driving 140km/hour. I will pick up speed so you cannot pass... Don't under-estimate my driving skills just because I'm a girl...

I am neither happy nor content. I have come to the realization that no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to please everyone. There will always be people in Life that like you or despise you.... accept it, there's always a reason for these things. I am who I am... I don't want praise, I don't want pity...

I swear far too much...

I am far too soft… I hate saying no…

My pride will ultimately be my demise...

I love cats…

I believe in ghosts, faries, dragons and such…

I am very emotional; and cry far too easily...

I care about others more than I should…

I never learn my lesson.. I am far too stubborn…

I am always right...

If I say “I’m sorry”.. I mean it…

I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be perfect.. perfection will never be obtained...

I’ve been arrested for drinking and driving…

Sometimes I know things before they happen. I cant explain it.. I just do...

Don’t under estimate me.. I can hold myself amongst the best of you...

I don’t believe in destiny...

If you are to buy me a gift; don’t ask me what I want.. if you know me; you’ll know what I need...

I don’t have a favorite food…

I talk to myself…

I want to learn to play music.. just don’t know which instrument yet...

I've taken to drying my hair using the air vents in my car... works like a bomb..

I have a nose ring, and am getting a labret done soon…

I no longer belive in The One or Soul Mates!!

My favourite colours are black, red, white & purple

I have 3 true loves, I gave birth to each of them

I love music & listen to it 24/7/365….

My toenails are always painted.. always!!

I wear shoes that kill my feet..